Dunkey’s Garbage: Part 2
Introduction:
Perhaps the Legend of Armond White has been exaggerated, where saying he’s a contrarian is as stereotypical as his alleged contrarianism; of course he’s silly for liking The Boss Baby (actual quote: “Baldwin plays to type: court jester for the angry Hillary mob… The Boss Baby epitomizes the snowflake phenomenon that is snowballing and putting our desire to enjoy popular culture at risk.”), and reading any of his reviews makes you think he’s an English major who was rejected for a job at The New Yorker and is doggedly determined to speak in a way which ensures nobody understands what the hell he’s saying.
But to say every single time he goes down to write a review, he’s doing it with the intent to piss as many people off as possible, is a bit of a presumptous attitude in itself. If Armond is a professional troll, then he’s the best one I’ve ever seen. Most people can’t pull a con like this for decades. The more rational answer is, simply, he has different opinions on what makes a good film. I found his review of Toy Story 3 to be reasonable, as well as making me grateful I’m not as pretentiously bad as I sometimes think. Typically, the goal of a critic is to have their opinions taken seriously. I think the only person who does is Armond himself.
A more thorough defence is at Roger Ebert’s website, though I’m not a movie critic, so all I can do is stare at the screen like a baby at her mama’s tits, as us slack – jawed Gamer types tend to do. Anyway, here’s more of Dunkey’s garbage, second row:
Hollow Knight
I refuse to believe the quality of indie games have anything whatsoever to do with their massive popularity, at least until evidence suggests otherwise. I recently picked up — well, bootlegged — this game called Bravely Dungeon from the eShop — well, the Freeshop – , and the only reason I did so was because I liked the art style — well, and the big tiddies. You know what happened? It was a good game! It was an RPG with combat that was actually fast! It was a dungeon – crawler with reasonable mechanics and simple design! It had furries! How come I’ve never heard of this title before if it’s so darn appealing? For one, if a well – informed — well, partially – informed — individual such as me has never heard of this title, what are the chances of Joe Six – Pack having heard of it? There was a total marketing failure on its part. Two, there’s no Grand Story or Big Revelations, or Massive Spoilers and Stock Manipulative Characters to build a fanbase — well, a cult — around. Good isn’t good enough anymore. Developers need to weaponise their fans and make them rowdy little shits in order for a game to sell. I enjoyed Bravely Dungeon. But it’s not popular… it’s examples like these which make me unwilling to try anything that is, Hollow Knight included.
Sonic The Hedgehog 2
I never understood the Sonic the Hedgehog fanbase, the same as I don’t understand fanbases in general. Congratulations, you’ve done exactly what a company expects you to do and buy massive amounts of their product while shilling massive amounts of praise for them! But the Sonic one is a legendary beast, if only because of how typically “weird” it is. Bad art is mundane, and all fetishes have their explanations, but must both of them be presented to me when I just want to find new artists on DeviantART? When I go on FurAffinity, must I be assaulted with the entire spectrum of human sexuality on each and every page? Don’t even get me started on Inkbunny. The Sonic fanbase was the progenitors of these complaints, way before the scapegoats turned into bronies, weebs, and whatever is popular nowadays (K – ON, Undertale, Five Nights at Freddy’s, Steven Universe, though amusingly not Pokémon). As for the games, I played a bit of Sonic Colours when I was thirteen, and found it a bit… fast… for my tastes. I was more into Kingdom Hearts, anyway.
Donkey Kong Country
I remember playing the Game Boy Advance port when I was thirteen, and found it 2hard4me. I can see why they give you dozens of live: you’re going to need them! Perhaps this makes me a fake gamer guy, but I’m just not into old 2D games at all. I see them as games forced into their limitations, rather than building around them as a cheeky parody such as the massive influx of retro – styled games we’re getting nowadays. Playing anything on the SNES gives me a rumbling stomach, for you know the controls are going to be awful, all the sprites are going to be too big, and the colour palette will be unbearably chipper. I enjoy games that include stories, nowadays, or barring that having some bomb – ass gameplay. The Games of Olde just don’t do it for me. Maybe this is why I’m more of a PC kiddie… when you’re on the cutting edge of technology, everything that came before seems quaint.
Donkey Kong Country Returns: 3D
And that also includes new games that are just like the old ones! Well, not quite; technology marches on, so at least you know the physics will be better. I wonder whether or not it’s entirely futile to play these types of games that don’t enhance your life much at all, where the gameplay is good, yes, but is it something you think about for years on end? Is it as simply brilliant as Cave Story, or does it have a great story like with Bioshock? Is there room to git gud and dominate like in Metal Gear or Quake? The typical dogma is that “fun” is the most important factor of video games, without understanding all the complex emotions that we, as humans, are able to feel and exploit in our art. I see games nowadays as constructions made of a bunch of elements, and not as whole products… if a game doesn’t inspire me in its construction, why bother playing it? Certainly, some games are fun, and it’s not a worthless emotion. But this one wasn’t the most for me, so I just had to stop playing, knowing I wouldn’t get anything else out of it but Nintendo – approved “fun”.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
Okay, I really need to play this one. First, just look at this TAS. This is one of the greatest runs I have seen in my life, and the one which made me have this really keen interest in Castlevania. I’ve never actually done anything with that interest, and that run is for Aria of Sorrow, but if a game makes you want to play it just by looking at the speedrun, then the chances are high it’s a good one. The Castlevania series is now known as one neglected even worse than Mother, with Konami always having their name preceded by “fuck”, and is mostly ignored by gamers aside from abusing the name “metroidvania” for games that aren’t like Metroid or Castlevania. Then again, this was made by the company who dumped the Metal Gear series, one that’s gotten universal praise even in the face of other “universally praised” titles like Call of Duty, in favour of… Pachinko machines. The same way as spying on your kid’s computer is an easy way to permanently damage your relationship with them, dumping your best – selling properties in favour of a business that nobody has heard of except for how stupid of a decision it was… is a stupid decision.
Halo 3
Wanna kill the same few aliens fifty billion times? Wanna do it again? I didn’t buy a 360, because I’m not a mouth – breathing idiot whose idea of entertainment comes exclusively from first – person – shooters and sports games, so my interest in Halo has always waned between 0.1% and 0.01% of my total experience with gaming. I played the original once with my brother, when I was thirteen, and didn’t find it as engaging as good – old Goldeneye, sadly having aged as well as the Atari 2600. In addition, the Hilarious® machinima which came out of the series, made by the Rooster Teeth company which has found much more fame in anime of all places (yes, really. they make RWBY), didn’t appeal to me as much as, say, Runescape anime music videos. Happily, the Zero Punctuation review is one of my favourites in the whole series, a shining example of a contrary opinion in a sea of cute little sheeples. Press F to pay respects for our beloved mediocrity.
BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger
What is it with the curiously Japanese phenomenon of CamelCasing two English words and misspelling one of them? First SoulCalibur, now BlazBlue. My only deep experience with fighting games comes from Super Smash Brother Melee, when I was thirteen and before the Internet told me my way of having fun with the game was wrong and I could only use the five pre – approved stages, sometimes seven if the phase of the moon is right, and use the precise set of rules that a group of people who have gotten inordinately good at a children’s party game have decided is the Way Things Must Be. I like the rationale for the Green Greens ban: “randomly appearing bomb blocks disrupt normal gameplay”. No, you arrogant twats, those bombs are normal gameplay, it’s you who decided to conveniently ignore it for the sake of turning this corporate mascot fighter into a endeavour more pretentiously pointless than the Cat Breeder’s Fancy Show! Anyway, I’m guessing BlazBlue isn’t going to change my mind about fighting games being for degenerates, big – titty catgirl notwithstanding.
Journey
This is taking “walking simulator” a little too literally.
Mega Man 2
I like how Dunkey used the Japanese artwork, given how the North American one is… bad. My affinity for Mega Man lied exclusively within the later games, being 7 and 8, when the graphics got gud and they got real cheesy with the voice acting. I tried to like the series. I keep coming back to the GameCube Anniversary Collection, playing through those poorly – design early ones where all you do is shoot and jump, but I just don’t find the appeal in what is essentially a run – and – shoot game whose challenge comes from getting hit the minimum amount of times to make it through the stage without dying. Even the speedruns and TASes are boring; see one zip, you’ve seen them all. If it’s any consolation, I’ve heard the Mega Man X games are an even better version of the Mega Man series, which I’ve always found functional at best. I’ve also had Internet arguments about whether or not it’s ethical to jack it to Roll, the same as Jenny from My Life as a Teenage Robot. Do age of consent laws even apply to robots? More important question, how have we as a society developed to the point where we can even ask these questions?
Conclusion
Having gotten through part two of this five – part series, I can now safely say that Dunkey jacks off to underaged robots. See you tomorrow!