Kratzen
Stories for 2017 – 06.

Two Months with Kratzen

Kratzen logo: a white crosshair on a black background.

The monthly Speech from the Throne is back again, as Froge takes you on a journey about what he’s been up to with the past month, and so better have a good excuse for not updating this magazine on time.

Froge Made a Visual Novel!

Silva, a poisionous frog, spotted, with big eyes and a small face, from “Three Drunk, Pissed – Off Frogs”.

Yes, this really happened. Teaming up with a legendary developer, Froge managed to make something touching, poignant, hilarious, and all – the – while sweet as well. Also, it’s about drunk frogs stuck on a leaf boat in the ocean.

“Dyson Sphere” Review

The anime face of Kloe from “Dyson Sphere”, with banged hair, cat – eyes, smiling.

Dyson Sphere, in the flesh. This is a game that you’ve probably seen before, though is unique in that it’s one of the only monochrome games I’ve played… except for City Clickers, but we don’t talk about that.

“DonkeyKong.exe” Review

The deranged face of Funky Kong, with a big smile and black goggles.

The Kong has landed. This is a game that all games should be: nonsense parodies of each other, though mostly of vapourwave. Yes, vapourwave, that old genre that has died a dozen times last decade. It’s also one of those “art games”.

The Hell That Is Developing

A very sweaty developer known for dishonest business practices.

We have entered an era where anything is possible and yet nobody would like to make the first step. The question of why bad games continue to be released is answered, as well as why there are so few good games, and so few good devs.

Planned downtime

The OSsloth Twitch emote, a headshot of a grey sloth.

I am forced to attend to some engagements. However, I wish to correct these absenses by offloading some hard work onto someone else. So please enjoy “Top 5 Most Stunning Instances of Degeneracy in Goldeneye”, which is a masterpiece.

“Ravenfield” Review

A blocky soldier with a gun against a hillside and some clouds: a scene from “Ravenfield”.

The wonders of Discount Battlefield. This is what we call the “AAA” sector of indie gaming: too much ambition, so little professionalism. Get past the façade of bad graphics, and you see that it has bad gameplay, too.

“City Clickers” Review

A monochrome scene with monochromatic roads, monochromatic trees, and monochromatic houses, from the monochromatic “City Clickers”.

Would anybody like to play SimCity? This isn’t that, but it’s something you might find on an old, theoretical games system, where everything is monochrome and monotonous and the gameplay is as barebones as can be.

“Bomb Squad Academy” Review

The C – 4 from “Counter-Strike: Global Offensive”.

Do you think the terrorists are mad for telling us how to defuse bombs deliberately made in the style of puzzle games? I don’t think they even have games. Fortunately us privileged sort can enjoy this good one, though short as their lives.

“FTL: Faster Than Light” Review

A picture of a pixellated clown from “Space Station 13”.

I wonder how it feels to be an indie developer and spend years creating a video game only to have me take potshots at their bad work. This is one of those “typical” indie games you think when you read the word. Its reputation is undeserved.

“GUN☆CAT” Review

A crudely — drawn snub-nosed revolved hacked together from a similar weapon from “Bayonetta”.

I wanted to play another game as wildly wacky as this one, but you know. The idea of playing as a Cat with Gun’s is too much for me to handle, given the other game was Glover featuring an abundant lack of cats.

“Coming Out Simulator” Review

A minimalist drawing of spiky black hair.

Another visual novel by another indie darling on another sardonic review by yours truly. I will spoil everything for you and say it is good, and those who read the title and feel a twinge of anxiety will be especially interested.

What Hath Froge Done?

A crude drawing of a frog's face.

For those of us who are diligently checking on their favourite websites every month in the hope they have updated: welcome back. I have now ended my vaction, and I am obliged to tell you about it, if only for tax purposes.