Stories for 2017 – 11.

Seven Months with Kratzen

Kratzen favicon.

As the month ends, I look back on all that I have made, and I find it is good. I can summarise all of it by saying that, despite all the struggle, it is worth it to be here, and I will continue to be here for the weeks to come.

We Snoozin’ Over Here

The OSsloth Twitch emote, a headshot of a grey sloth.

This recent visual novel I’m tearing apart is long ass, and not even in the way where I can just dump it and be certain I won’t miss anything. Nope, gotta be a professional reviewer and take an actual stab at it. I’m updating tomorrow, boy!

“Starlit Flowers” Review

Kratzen favicon.

I gave it four stars, so I think those flowers are lit up as well as they can be. And just like flowers, this visual novel about girls being girls has a particular charm to it, a charm that I never want to let go of and want to be a part of.

“External Visions Demo” Review

Kratzen favicon.

I tend to sleep on these games because I struggle to come up with anything smart to say about them. Which is fine, because it isn’t too smart, despite being a fine, just fine, example of a Metroidvania, with only a few enjoyable aspects.

“Ciel Fledge Alpha” Review

A mischevious chibi potato face from a character from “Ciel Fledge”.

I like it a lot, and I like it for many reasons. I like the things it does and the things it say, and though it never really reaches its full potential in doing so (being a demo and all), I am actually really, pleasantly surprised with this title.

Introducing: Diēs die Kratzenkatze!

Kratzen favicon.

Boy, we’ve finally done it, boy! Kratzen has graduated from being a cool magazine for dudes who doesn’t afraid of anything, to a blatant furry rag by way of developing a cat for a mascot. It’s all downhill from here. Pack it up. Let it go.

Boi we Updatin’ Boiiii!!

The OSFrog Twitch Emote: a very handsome picture of a frog’s head.

As you can see, there is no review today because I must tend to my website like a cat mom tends to her cat kid. So please enjoy DigiBronyMLP’s take on why “MARIO ODYSSEEY IS UGLY AS SIN”, which is very convincing for a drunk weeb.

Also new Kratzen Contest

The PogChamp Twitch Emote: an excited man with messy hair looking to the right while enjoying what he’s seeing.

There’s an Selects bundle going on right now that I’m hijacking for blatant promotional purposes. Check out my comment down there, and be one of two lucky bastards to win $50 worth of games: all free! For you. I have to pay.

“Pixel Dungeon” Review

A single grey pixel.

Another genre piece that does nothing to expand upon the genre it belongs to. This time it’s a roguelike game, when all roguelikes should know after their decades – long history to be as least like Rogue as is practicable.

“Cynical 7 Demo” Review

The blank – faced, scruffy – haired boy Tris, from “Cynical 7”, holding a pizza box like a dope.

It’s fresh off the presses: a new, fledgling indie game that is certain to be destroyed in the public arena due to being starved of all its funds, but believe me when I say it’s really good, guys! Look: it has pizza and fat chicks!

“Mobs, Inc.” Review

The incredibly spooky skeleton protagonist from “Mobs, Inc.”, decked out in a simple robe while lurching.

A heartwrenching view at wage slavery, globalised capitalism, and the military – industrial complex through the eyes of a single, soulless worker, who is a magic skeleton what kills a billion warriors in blood and gore.

Froge is an Itch Partner!

A crude drawing of a frog’s face.

I’ve finally managed to have my career in games journalism validated by getting a brand new type of account that does actually little and is sort of underwhelming. But at least I have it for the future! Hooray.

“The Edge Super Gamepad” Review

An extreme close up of Mr. Torque’s face from “Borderlands 2”.

Why game in the middle when you can go to THE EDGE? I apologise in bringing up this empty promise that you, a Gamer, will have your Gameplay measurably enhanced by THE EDGE. But THE EDGE is full of EMPTY PROMISE.

“KAIMA” Review

Promotional image from “KAIMA” showing the world being eaten apart by tentacle things.

KAIMA is the kinda game I wonder if I should think too hard about, but it is also the type of game where thinking about it has its own sort of special pleasure, in that same sort of girlish manner and or girlish number.

“Heartbound Demo” Review

A very sad and disappointed emoji, sighing with eyes heavy.

A sometimes – funny, sometimes deathly-serious look at mediocrity in video games and all the damage it can do against us. Naturally this is told through the medium of an extremely mediocre game. Also: more Undertale bashing!

Week 30

Kratzen favicon.

I should tell you there’s nothing funny within this article. It’s a serious look at the problems and tribulations that I’ve endured because of Kratzen, and how Kratzen never really became what I was hoping it to turn out as.

“Oneiric Gardens” Review

A resort hotel surrounded by stone structures on the ocean, from “Oneiric Gardens”.

Another day, another long article about the meaning of art and all the discourse that comes with it. Of course, we already know the meaning of art: it’s whatever I tell you. Yes, bow down to me. I control what you like.

An Ode to Dead Games

The OSsloth Twitch emote, a headshot of a grey sloth.

I happen to be a man of taste, and so I only use premiere operating systems for computing, all of which some variation of Linux. Sometimes paradise comes crashing down to Earth, and all I’m left with are dead dreams and bad intentions.

“Spelunky Classic HD” Review

The damsel from “Spelunky”, an unassuming blonde woman in a dress.

And today I’ll be showing you a game about my personal quarters, being some dank caves with a lot of spiders and ancient gold hidden amongst the snakes. Please don’t try to touch them. Mr. Hissy Fits is a bit of a prickly fellow, him.

The Tao of Mario Review Review

An extreme close up of the classic Mario sprite from “Super Mario Brothers”.

After much speculation, we finally answer the question: “Will Froge ever stop shilling that book of his?”. And the answer, of course, is no. So it’s fortunate we can gather around some other shills for a change!

“Voodoo Lockdown” Review

The spooky shaman in a blank mask from “Voodoo Lockdown”.

Happy Memorial Day, dipshits! Hope you weren’t planning on remembering any dead veterans, because we’ve got shit to doooo! Now watch yours truly whine about video games, because we have nothing better to do in life.

The Kratzen 74th Article Spectacular!

Troy McClure, from “The Simpsons”, with a million dollar smile and his typical washed-up smarm.

Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other educational articles as “Scavenge from the Torrent Wasteland”, “Don’t get Caught on that CP”, and “The Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie: The Game: The Review”!

“Jack and Casie Demo” Review

The smug catgirl Casie, wearing a bow and blouse, from “Jack and Casie”.

First Sam and Max, now Jack and Casie. I could make several allusions to each others work in an increasingly obscure demonstration of fanboyism, but you know what? I’m too cool for that sort of crap, so I’ll just write about furry porn.

“100sec Action Hero” Review

The director, a heavy machine gun, and a mook standing on top of both, from “100sec Action Hero”.

Hey, kids! Do you like violence? If you don’t, you can bugger right off. You see, this game is all action, all the time, and no amount of intelligent discourse about mental health will ever not make it kick ass. To the max!

“Right Click to Necromance” Review

A bunch of knight mooks, clad in armour and wielding swords, from “Right Click to Necromance”.

Look at the title. Now back to me. Now back at the title. Now back to me. You see, only the finest of games have their gimmicks right in the title, and with a Kratzen – quality review backing it up, you know it’s gonna be a good one.

“Electric Highways” Review

A tall, pulsating tower, from “Electric Highways”.

Did you know that environmental sims could be engaging and exciting experiences? Of course you didn’t, you uncultured swine, so all I have to do is drag up some great work from the depths of Hell and shove it all, in your face, right now.

Hear me, you filthy peasants!

An angry catgirl rendition of Mio Naganohara from “Nichijou”.

Froge is making a BIGASS UPDATE for Kratzen on 2017 – 11 – 10: November 10 for normies! On this occasion, I will answer all your questions! So e-mail that ishii over to and leech off the popularity of your betters.

“Aground” Review

The little unnamed protagonist of “Aground”, standing on some ground all noble.

BREAKING: owner and proprietor of Kratzen bends to public pressure, decides to review blatant Minecraft ripoff despite being a title he has personally described as “adequate” and “stop bothering me you soulless scavengers”.

“DMCA’s Sky” Review

A “No Fun Allowed” signpost, reading: “No Fun Allowed”.

A game that’s famous for being screwed over by big business, it’s also infamous for not being an enjoyable experience, and so the character assassination on Nintendo’s part just led more people to waste their time.

“Oblige” Review

Slark, from “DOTA 2”, who I only put in here because of his “much obliged” voice clip.

Would anybody else like to bully some indie developers? No? Well, here we are anyway. Taking place in the truly despotic era of 1979, this game isn’t good, and so it will be rated one star to attract attention on the archives.

“Underhero Demo” Review

Mr. Stitches from “Underhero”, with a mean grin and big horns looking so very evil.

Under my thumb comes the newest game from Not Toby Fox: Underhero, which is the hero I need most right now, but will never come, as most heroes are mythical and reflect why myths are a bunch of dirty liars.

“Where To” Review

The mouse from “Where To?” looking smug, smiling, eyebrows raised high.

It’s time for the Furry Infection, though in this case featuring nothing sexy — no, please, come back, I beg you. This one features a mouse, a taxi cab, a, uh, conversation. Some things. Look, just read the damn review.